Pro IQRA News Updates.
Need to learn about the Premier League so you can match with real men? Fake your new preseason knowledge with this guide.
Who is the best team in the Premier League?
Liverpool or Manchester City. No one can confidently say who’s better, so just randomly declare one superior and reject all suggestions you’re talking shit. Believe it or not, this will earn you bonus points from kids who have been following the Premier League properly for decades.
Isn’t Manchester United everyone’s favorite?
No. Despite spending hundreds of millions of pounds trying to fix the problem, they have gone from unbeatable to terrifying. It defies logic, but you can explain it simply by saying “United’s problem is a toxic culture from top to bottom”. It’s counterintuitive, but so vague that people would be wise to agree.
Who are Nunes and Haaland?
Liverpool have signed new goalscorer Darwin Nunes. “Manchester City” has signed a new man who will score all the goals named Erling Haaland. There’s no telling which one will score more goals, so furiously flip a coin to pick your favorite invite anyone who disagrees to walk out.
Who will be relegated from the Premier League this season?
It would be reasonable to say that three teams were promoted to the Premier League at the end of last season. The right fans will understand this, so suggest that Fulham have “done a bit of work” and only need to deal with “Brentford or even Brighton”. It doesn’t matter if you have no idea what you’re saying, it means something, and in terms of pub football talk, it’s a bulletproof argument.
Isn’t the World Cup happening at this time?
Yes, and this is absolutely, completely stupid. Footie boss Sepp Blatter has put on millions of pants by presenting the World Cup to a country where balls melt on contact with the ground, meaning the Premier League will be suspended for several weeks after Christmas. Earn respect from your more masculine peers by saying that this effectively cancels the season.
Aren’t women more interesting to watch now?
I guess so. The girls compete in the Women’s Super League, which starts next month. The two best teams are Chelsea and Arsenal. There is no World Cup Also from WSL facilities. You don’t need to know any of these, you can get away with making misogynistic comments or grunting with sexual frustration when they appear on screen.
Who is the best player in the Premier League?
Go rogue. Everyone will say either Mo Salah or Kevin De Bruyne or Ronaldo, but these are the main female choices. Put your friends in their shoes by telling them you like Orel Mangalan’s look in the Forest. When they look at you with a confused expression, shamelessly tell them to do their homework and pray they don’t ask any further questions.