Pro IQRA News Updates.
If you haven’t had sex in ages, it’s clearly not your fault. So who is to blame? And how can you stop them from ruining the mind-blowing sex you would otherwise have?
your boss
Does your boss make you work all god-send hours, when everyone else is off and on getting into weird sexual relations with potentially crazy strangers from the apps? If so, your manager is clearly the cockerel here.
Solution: Find a new job, or start rocking someone at work, maybe your boss. You can barter sexual favors to reduce your workload. that’s normal.
your star sign
Only a couple of astrological signs (Leo and Scorpio) are so sexy, yet it’s based on the rising Venus in Coruscant’s telescope, or some such tapes.
Solution: Definitely tell people that your lack of sex is due to the infinite constellations and mysteries of the universe. Hippie girls will think that this is completely normal and that they are famous pioneers.
your parents
Your mom and dad meant well, but a regimen of clarinet lessons, an interest in doing your homework and a Lake District walking vacation made you a deranged person unfit for an adult life of temptation and bombardment. Or there’s the time they were rubbing each other’s backs when they thought you weren’t looking. It was weird and kept you from intimacy for life. Either way, your fuss-free existence is their fault.
Solution: You have to accept that your parents are sexual beings, too. My God, now you’re thinking of two wrinkly old coffin slackers who have red hot sex. Sorry.
Bank of England
All this uncertainty about interest rates, inflation, and economic instability generally interferes with your charm. The fact that you said “mojo” is also likely to be a problem. And telling people that you are single out of concern about Britain’s GDP will certainly ensure that you don’t get sidetracked.
Solution: Trust the markets. Read the financial news closely and if we can head off a recession, maybe you’ll end up in the fourth quarter?
your partner
In murders, the victim usually knows the killer. In exactly the same way, your partner is the prime suspect when it comes to your poor sex life. Who didn’t fuck you last night? Was it the postman? Was it Leonardo DiCaprio? Was it the dog? No, it was your partner. (By the way, this is rhetoric. You shouldn’t shake your dog.)
Solution: They have to ask themselves why they don’t try to get a leg up at every opportunity with someone like you. Frequently ask why it’s a frozen cow or “only half a man”. It’s sure to make them pull up their socks.
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