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The death of the family hamster is tragic for children and sad for others. Father Roy Hobbs explains the seven grueling stages of their grief.
By me, of course. Our daughter swore she would look after the hamster faithfully, but has since ignored it. When it’s time to do my weekly chores, it’s time to sweep the bad pellets and dew-soaked sawdust out of the cage. If I didn’t say he was dead, no one would notice.
He’s stiff as a board and doesn’t want to use his smaller tire, so the evidence is pretty conclusive. That won’t stop my daughter from insisting she’s just sleeping. If so, it’s a bloody deep sleep because slamming his rigid body against the table doesn’t wake him.
F**k me, my daughter barely cared about the hamster when he was alive, but now that he’s dead, he acts like her best friend. If he treats his friends with the same indifference, I don’t think anyone will come to his birthday party next week. God, I wish it was so.
I should have sneaked it into the pedal box when I had the chance. Now I have to bury him in the garden, which is probably his favorite spot, even though he never leaves the cage. It was such a waste to see my daughter forget it existed within a week. He better not make me wear black.
Dispose of all supplies
This hairy dickhead sure had a lot going for it. The cage, ball and sawdust won’t fit in the bin and I can’t afford to order a slot on the end just to get rid of this crap. I will wait for the washing machine to go. In the meantime, I’ll stick it in the shed with all the other crap my daughter begged for and used exactly once.
“Daddy, I want another one”
Oh, for the sake of it, really? No way. I made the mistake of buying a hamster once and regretted it every second since. They can’t do tricks, they bite your fingers and they always gnaw loudly on the bars of their cages. Animal rock would be more desirable, so turn off the reservoir, honey.
A trip to the royal pet store
Christ, here we go again. Why am I letting this happen? He made a lot of empty promises about how he would look at it, which admittedly worked last time, so you can’t exactly blame him. I can’t even use the last hamster’s cage because that would be wrong for some reason, so there goes another 30 quid. Only two years left before you have to repeat all these steps.