Pro IQRA News Updates.
Do you cheerfully walk away only to realize your child has wandered into the bedroom? Try to save yourselves with one of these preposterous lies.
We were playing horses. Mummy was sitting on her daddy screaming because you were playing the innocent game of horsey. They’ll indicate that you’ve got it wrong for not riding a horse by walking over the hip. And you don’t yell “Oh my God I’m coming!” You say “giddy!” She’ll bring her hobby horse to show you how it’s done while jogging around the bedroom. Moment f**ked. Unlike you.
My dad was heating a mummy. I was lying on top of mummy because she felt cold. Pretty unbelievable – you’re so warm now you’re sweaty and bright red, but why are you naked if you’re cold? If your child buys it, it’s probably not the sharpest spoon in the box, so forget about any Oxbridge graduation celebrations.
Mummy was kissing bad dad will better. Your father hurt his will and you kissed him better, as you do bumps and cuts. He must have been in royal pain from the gasps and groans he was making. If you’re lucky, they might just swallow it, which is more than a mummy will do now. Just pray that they don’t burst into tears because your dad is going to die, or (b) tell the next adult visitor out loud that dad’s dad is sick.
Mummy was choking on something. Otherwise, why would she be all over the place when you’re aggressively coming towards her from behind? Explaining the Heimlich maneuver to a preschooler is sheer genius because they’ll instantly gloat with boredom and apathy. You can go back to him, but you’ve just lost the will now.
Bribery to divert attention. Change the subject in a jiffy by telling him he’s been such a good boy lately that yeah, he can have that rocket launcher toy he’s been knocking on for weeks. Which is strange, because only last night he had been in a bit of a rage for refusing tea. Unfortunately now he will try to catch you again to buy more plastic. Maybe it’s best to give up sex altogether until the little shit leaves the house.
the truth. If all else fails, ie. You never come up with some shit fast enough, you can always be honest about it. The whole “When Mummy and Daddy Love Each Other Too Much” shebang. She will either be completely withdrawn or completely uninterested and leave you on your own. Then retell the whole episode the next time you sleep over at Grandma’s and Grandpa’s.